A Gentle Note Before You Read
If you're in a season of struggling to conceive, or you're close to recovering from a loss, please use your discretion + intuition before reading. I have experienced two losses, but I have not experienced infertility. I know both can be complex, holding a whole range of emotions at once. Check in with where you are mentally, then either keep going or come back in a few weeks or months. This post will still be here. Ultimately, I do believe this is an encouraging one, wherever you're at.
I Thought I Was Pregnant
Today is November 6th. I have been CONFIDENT that I was pregnant since the 2nd. Today, I was blessed with my period.
I feel silly. Embarrassed. Grateful. A little sad that I'm not. But overall? I'm in awe. I'm grateful + joyful.
Let's back up.
SORRY IF YOU ARE MY HUSBAND'S FAMILY!!! THIS IS TMI! COMING UP!!!!
Why I Want Another Baby
I've had a complicated relationship with the idea of another child for years. I grew up an only child + loved never having to share my parents. But as an adult only child, I know how hard it is when each of my parents (separately) has ended up in the hospital unexpectedly from a health scare. I've had to scramble to drive an hour + 15 minutes to see them, change plans to take care of them for days at a time, + my husband has had to shift his work plans so he could keep Hawthorne. It's stressful. AND WE ARE LUCKY that we both have flexible work schedules for this.
Then I married into a family where children are ABUNDANT. I get to see the beauty of siblings up close: the bonds, the relationships, + what a secure place it is to be an aging parent with beautiful relationships with your children, knowing you'll be well taken care of for the rest of your days.
I Want a Redemptive Pregnancy (+ Birth)
If you've been around here a while, you know my birth with Hawthorne was not ideal. Here's the tl;dr. I planned a home birth + labored unmedicated at home for 3 days. My water broke at 8cm, Hawthorne fell into my cervix in a way that made it swell, + I was essentially back to 5cm. We went to the hospital so I could rest, then had Pitocin + an epidural for 24 more hours, + I ultimately chose a c-section because my body was struggling, not passing 8cm. NOT the birth experience I wanted. So yes, I yearn for a redemptive home birth.
I also yearn for a redemptive pregnancy. Mine was healthy on paper. BUT I gained 70lbs + could barely move. My mental health was in the fucking shitter because I chose not to take my antidepressants during pregnancy out of pride (I will NEVER do that again). On top of that, I was stressed to the GAWDS teaching 6 out of 7 class periods of high schoolers every day for 6 months. To be honest, I was a raging bitch.
Anyway…
The Loss Before Hawthorne
After Hawthorne, I knew I wanted another baby. I just didn't know when.
You see, before Hawthorne was born I had a miscarriage. I wanted that baby. I planned for that baby. I was devastated when I lost that baby. At first I was sure I'd want to try again as soon as we were cleared, but in the months after, I was resentful. Not at my body, the baby, or the pregnancy, just at... the world? Any time someone mentioned pregnancy, a future child of mine, or me becoming a mother one day, I was PISSED. I can't explain it. That's miscarriage for ya.
Then one day, months later, I was sitting at a stoplight on my way to teach. I thought about a baby, a pregnancy, + I wasn't filled with rage. Interesting... I pondered a baby + realized I felt capable of raising a GOOD human to bring into this world. I felt hope. Interesting… again.
A month later, we planned for + conceived Hawthorne (due date? MY BIRTHDAY. muahahhaa.We;ve got an Earth house. Taurus, Virgo, Virgo).
Pulled From the Stars
After all of this, I PERSONALLY believe (this might not be your value system, + that's fine) that any baby I have should be conceived with intention, love, + yearning.
My mom always told me the story of my conception (in a shower before a company Christmas party, lmao). My parents wanted me SO much that they knew the DAY I was conceived, + that has always been so special to me. My parents wanted me. They planned for me. They pulled me from the stars, + here I am.
I get to tell Hawthorne the same story. I remember the day I thought about you, Hawthorne. I thought about a baby, about being a mother, about feeling capable of bringing a good human into the world + raising one. Daddy + I chose the next month to reach into the stars for you. + now here you are. Everything our dreams were made of.
So while some people say there's no right time to have a baby, I mostly disagree. Sure, the finances might not be right, or the home, or your mental health, or the job situation, or your situation with the other child. I agree with all of that. + yes, as a Type A oldest + only daughter Virgo with a Capricorn rising, I love control. But here's the only thing that truly matters to me when it comes to conception: the yearning. Do I WANT this baby? Am I INTENDING for this baby? Am I HOPING that I miss my period?
The Pregnancy That Taught Me to Wait
In 2024, I had a surprise pregnancy, + I was devastated. I wasn't ready. I cried every time I looked at Hawthorne, thinking about the time I'd lose with him. I cried because I wasn't emotionally ready to give this baby the love in utero that Hawthorne had. I cried because I wouldn't be able to tell this baby that I was filled with joy when I learned it was coming, joy in the early days of pregnancy, hope dreaming about its future. That didn't feel fair to me, + it didn't feel fair to my baby.
I miscarried 10 days later, with a completely different set of emotions. I felt gratitude + relief that I still had my alone time with Hawthorne, + that I wouldn't have to "come around" to being happy about my pregnancy. I also felt devastation, because I knew I wanted Hawthorne to have a sibling. + I felt guilt for the time I spent trying + failing to be excited for this baby.
I deeeeeeply believe God had His hand in that pregnancy to teach me something. Suzy, your babies don't have to be close together to matter or to have a close bond. You don't have to get pregnant because your friends are going back to back. You MUST wait until the yearning comes. You are the person who will have babies based in yearning.
So I trusted that one day, no matter the timeline, I would feel the yearning again, the same way I felt it with Hawthorne. The pull in my tummy to have + hold another baby. The emotional pull to raise another good human. The YEARNING to walk through pregnancy differently this time.
When the Yearning Came Back
I felt that pull in early February of 2026. Hawthorne was 3.5, but I've never been concerned about age gaps. I've known TOO MANY siblings close in age who hate each other's guts. I knew the most important thing was stable, grounded, present parents. Robby is a pillar (youngest of 5, favorite uncle of 18), so I was the deciding factor, especially because I struggle with depression + anxiety, which makes my stability PARAMOUNT.
So I decided I would get pregnant in December.
Sure, wishful thinking. Not everyone gets pregnant on their first try. NOT EVERYONE GETS TO PICK THEIR CHILD'S SUN SIGN LIKE I COULD WITH HAWTHORNE!!! But honestly, February was the first time I felt the SLIGHT niggling of desire for a baby, + that was important. I didn't want to have a baby until I was yearning for it, + this was my first clue. I knew that by December the niggling would turn into yearning. That would give me time to plan for a 2027 of rest, to settle my nervous system, + to set up the internal environment I didn't have with Hawthorne. Gardening, days of reading, needle felting, baking, slowness. That's what I want when I'm pregnant with my second.
More practically? I wanted TIME to wean off of my anxiety meds instead of going cold turkey (DO NOT RECOMMEND OMG). By December my big work projects would be over. I'd have at least a month before conception to focus on slowing down mentally (final work project officially ending November 13th with lingering commitments through November/early December, but easy ones), + 10 months of 2026 for focusing on nutrition to support my hormones + fertility.
Then the Condom Broke
SORRY FAMILY, I GAVE YOU A WARNING.
In October, the condom broke. I cried + I had a panic attack. I wasn't upset about the possibility of a baby, I have been yearning for months. I was upset about not being ready. There may not be a perfect time, but there were elements I could make perfect for a more successful pregnancy: weaning off meds beforehand, optimal nutrition, finishing work projects, + creating a gentle mental environment.
But somewhere in that panic attack, I thought, "Fuck it. Let's full send." I always wanted to try for a second boy. So we decided to TRY on my DAY of ovulation, which I knew because I'd been tracking it all year to give my period app the most accurate data (I love planning).
I held it all with a loose hand. I want a baby, I'm yearning for a baby. The conditions I'd hoped for weren't optimal, but I'd manage.
The Signs (Or What I SWORE Were Signs)
About 5 days before my period, my boobs started hurting, which is a telltale sign of pregnancy for me. NEVER have I ever had that symptom with my period. I FELT implantation, the same way I did with Hawthorne (right side, about 4 to 5 days after ovulation). My back was hurting.
YET, every test was negative. Weird. MY BOOBS NEVER EVER EVER HURT.
Then a close friend told me, "You still don't have your period. It took 5 negative pregnancy tests + two weeks after my missed period for the positive to show up!"
Did I have... hope?
I don't know. My period is STUPID regular. I'm blessed beyond measure to have always had a very, very, very predictable cycle. Here's how those days went:
✨Day before my period was due: nothing. No period. Breast pain. HAWTHORNE TELLING ME THERE IS A BABY IN MY BELLY.
✨Day of my expected period: no period. Breast pain. HAWTHORNE TELLING ME THERE IS A BABY IN MY BELLY.
✨Day after my expected period: no period. Breast tingling. A positive ovulation test??? (Which I know can sometimes pick up a pregnancy, because LH + hCG are very close in structure.)
Blissful Ignorance
I decided to live in blissful ignorance. No more tests after the few negatives before my missed period. I'm going to Salem next week for a big work/fun trip with my mom, + I didn't want to be thinking about a baby the whole time. Yes, that baby would be a blessing, but I wanted to focus on my mom!!! I also wanted the energy to create my Salem guide, because I KNOW early pregnancy comes with a looooooot of fatigue + some sickness (or at least tummy unease for me).
Today I came to my mom's house, like I do most Fridays. She lives in the city where I grew up, about an hour + a half south of where I live now, + I deliver sourdough bread to customers here (I've learned this year that I'm a surprise entrepreneur). I was fully convinced I was pregnant. Late period? Breast tenderness? Back pain? The shooting pains of implantation? Intentional conception?? DUH.
I told myself I'd wait until after Salem to test again, but PLEASE. I'm not someone who can wait. It would consume my thoughts, so I asked my mom for a pregnancy test.
When she came home + I finally peed in the cup. Blood. Not pregnant after all. The tests were right. I had convinced myself... + I was wrong. Guys, I hate being wrong. especially when it comes to my body! I LOVE HER! I KNOW HER.
How I'm Actually Feeling
I'm not upset or heartbroken. I'm also not relieved (okay, maybe a LITTLE, because I'd like some martinis + brewery trips in Salem). Tbh, I'm a little embarrassed that I was so confident in what my body was feeling.
But maybe I wasn't wrong. Maybe there was a chemical pregnancy behind the breast tenderness??? It doesn’t matter now.
Here's the hopeful part:
✨I'm SO proud of my body for knowing to have a period every month. I LOVE HER!!!!
✨I'm proud of my body for (probably) rejecting sperm that wasn't optimal for a healthy pregnancy + baby.
✨I'm so grateful for these weeks. Even though it was all accidental, I found that I had hope. I know that I'm yearning for a baby. I know that I'm ready.
I know that when I'm pregnant next time, that baby will be intentionally conceived, hoped for, prayed for, + yearned for. A pregnancy of joy + excitement. That's the best gift I can give my next baby.
The Big Takeaway
My intentional conception didn't happen this month, + that's okay. I'm still proud of my body + trusting her intelligence. + I'm grateful I got to experience, in my whole body, that I DO want + yearn for another baby.
If you're waiting on your own yearning, or you're somewhere in the middle of it, I hope this reminds you that your timeline is allowed to be yours. Your body is wise. Your hope isn't silly. Sometimes the month that doesn't go the way you thought is the one that shows you exactly what you want.
Muah, muah, muah
Suzy
