Purpose Beyond Motherhood

I’ve noticed a pattern lately, specifically over the past few months, and only recently began to see the through line. Isn’t it wild that just when you think you know yourself, another layer of yourself shows up? A deeper layer? That’s not sarcasm, I promise.

In my last post, I asked if I was high maintenance or just self-aware because I need a lot of sleep, especially after my social battery has been depleted. Here comes another layer. Some days I’m not socially depleted, not physically depleted, not stressed. I’ve slept well. I’ve eaten well. And still, by 3pm, I find myself closing the blinds, waiting for evening to fall so it’s socially acceptable to put on my PJs, make dinner, and get started on my evening routine, which usually begins around 7:30 after Hawthorne goes to bed. Sometimes I don’t even wait. I’m in the darkness of my room, reading in bed, already bathed, pretending it’s nighttime. Two hours later Hawthorne comes in and kisses me goodnight. And I sleep all the way until morning.

Why am I in this state? I’m not necessarily tired or overstimulated. I just feel a listlessness. Everything is done. Laundry is folded. Hawthorne is fed and bathed. Bed is made. Kitchen is clean. Bathrooms are spruced up. Toys are tidied. And then I think, now what?

And also, why? Am I depressed all of a sudden? Do I need to up my Zoloft? This is not normal behavior and seemingly has no cause, but I don’t feel sad or hopeless or really really really down on myself.

What else is there to do at this time of day? Watch TV? No thank you, it makes me feel like my brain is melting. Scroll? No thank you, same effect. Read? I would love to, but Hawthorne is either tapping away at my Kindle or I can’t find a quiet space. My bedroom triggers a Pavlovian desire to sleep. My eyelids turn to lead. Hawthorne is usually entertaining himself with a Buzz Lightyear toy, building something, or playing pretend. And just stop there. I am not the parent who can do prolonged pretend play.

And therein lies my issue. I don’t have mental stimulation. Pretend play gives me none. TV gives me none. Scrolling gives me none. And no mental stimulation leaves me feeling pointless and purposeless. There is nothing left to do in the day. So what else do I do other than end it?

Perhaps some of you reading this would love this downtime, and I get that, but this is just not how my brain works. This is not how I find purpose. Sometimes when I explain what I just felt (purposeless all day) someone reminds me I was a mom. I fed, loved, clothed, and comforted a child in his most important developmental years. Yes, mothering is an incredibly important job. I know that. I know I have a huge role. But that is just not everything for me.

My mom was the type of mother who needed to get back to work ASAP after giving birth to me because staying inside for too long with just a baby drove her into a spiral of depression. I thought I’d be the same, but I found myself refusing to go back to teaching. And while I leaned into the idea of being a stay-at-home mom for a bit, I naturally filled my days with other work. After I gave birth, I was posting content on social media and starting a podcast. Soon after, I accepted a part-time HR position. A year later, I officially decided to quit that job and fully lean into content creation and Young Living brand partner work.

I guess I am more like my mom after all. Because guess what? On days when I can sit at my desk, work, talk to my followers, create content, make ebooks, write blogs, create newsletters, I can stay up until 8pm with no problem, absolutely wired all day. Brain buzzing with ideas. So much so that I have to pull myself away from my computer because I know I need time away from blue light for my best sleep.

No, I wasn’t depressed. I am medicated, so yes, I feel stable. And I’m not disconnected from the truth that motherhood is sacred and meaningful. I just need mental stimulation and creativity through work in addition to my duties as a mother.

This doesn’t make me less of a mom. It doesn’t mean I love my son less. There will still be days when I can’t get to my work because the schedule doesn’t allow for it. And there will still be days when I’m wired until 8 or 9pm in creative flow. But at least now I know a little more about myself, how I function best, and that I don’t have to feel guilty for it.

Purpose is multifaceted. Motherhood is sacred, but creativity, work, and mental stimulation also matter. Honoring all the ways we thrive helps us be the best versions of ourselves for the people we love and for ourselves.