To-Do Listing My Way Through A Break From Work

It’s a Tuesday and I’m sitting at a high top in a cute coffee shop in a historic town in Central Florida. It reminds me of my all-time favorite college coffee shop, Volta, which has since closed. In fact, I loved it so much that when I heard it was shutting down, I made a trip back just to have one last iced vanilla latte. That happened to be on another husband-mandated work break, but I’ll tell you about that in a bit.

It was minimalist. White walls, wood accents, local art. Two flavor options only, vanilla and chocolate, both handmade and so pure that you could literally see the vanilla bean specks. Their whole thing was highlighting good coffee. And it was the first time I realized coffee could taste like coffee, but good coffee; not something you had to drown in syrups and milk.

This place feels like that. Perhaps I’ll come back tomorrow because it’s SO good and I yearn for a place like this near my own home.

Anyway…

Twice a year, I take a Robby-mandated break from work. And by work, I mean everything: Young Living, social media, content, conversations, everything that comes with those things, etc. Partly for my sanity, but mostly for his if we’re all being honest with ourselves lmao

Because inevitably, sometime in the spring and again after the chaos of Black Friday and the holidays, I hit a wall. The constant “what else should I be doing?” loop, the cortisol spikes, the emotional energy it takes to show up online, to be vulnerable, to create, to connect, builds until I’m overwhelmed, anxious, snappy, creatively drained.

So Robby steps in and says, “Dude, stop. Just relax.” EASY FOR YOU TO SAY YOU FREAKIN TAURUS.

Reluctantly, I listen.

I know I’m lucky. The rarity of having a partner who recognizes that an introvert with a low social battery and a very type-A personality (Virgo sun, Capricorn rising) will quite literally work herself into the ground if no one intervenes (kind of like how labs will eat forever until they die if you don’t monitor their food intake) is not lost on me.

Because if it were up to me, I would keep going. The satisfaction of achievement has always outweighed the satisfaction of rest.

Which brings me to the question I keep circling on these trips: Wtf even is rest?

Every time I plan one of these weeks, I imagine slow mornings, long walks, reading, journaling, meditating. And every time, I DO get a little bit better at it. Emphasis on “little.”

If I’m not stressed about work, my brain finds something else to stress about.

This morning was the perfect example.

Yesterday was amazing. I spent the day alone at Disney, rode the rides I never get to ride with Hawthorne, took myself to happy hour, sat outside under a tree during golden hour reading and journaling. I went back to the hotel, ate Thai takeout in bed surrounded by my seven pillows, and read until I fell asleep. I woke up at 9 am! I made coffee, I did a 30-minute guided meditation!

And then the anxiety hit when I was faced with the “okay what do I do now?” question.

The same freedom I had been craving felt overwhelming. Instead of feeling restorative, it felt like pressure.

Should I go to a coffee shop? Walk through the historic district? Find a cute oyster bar? Go to that indie bookstore with the crystals? I need to make the most of this time and to relax correctly.

My hands literally started shaking while doing my makeup. WTF. Why can’t I just CHILL!? So many moms would do anything for this predicament.

Which is when I had to pause and ask myself, “Okay what actually works for Suzy?” Because the idea that “true rest” means doing nothing does not resonate with me. At. All. Doing nothing doesn’t relax me; it stresses me out.

So instead, I did what makes me feel best and I made a plan. A relaxation plan.

I sat down and identified a few things that felt genuinely good, things that I used to do before the hustle and bustle of motherhood, marriage, and making my own money online. A stop at the coffee shop (the one I mentioned at the beginning of this. The tucked-away dive-style oyster bar I saw last night. Maybe a walk if I feel like it, but maybe not. The bookstore can wait until tomorrow. And just like that, my nervous system softened a BIT. To be honest, I’m still a little shaky three hours later, worrying that I’m wasting my time off by not jamming it with relaxation activities.

Here's what I’m realizing:

I live and thrive under self-induced pressure. And while I’m open to growing and evolving, I don’t know that I need to completely erase that part of myself in order to be “good at resting.” The park that probably developed in childhood when I had an experience that suggested that my value was in how good and successful I could be at anything.

Maybe rest, for me, looks like structure, a loose plan, a to-do list filled with things that nourish me instead of drain me. It doesn’t have to be the “sit down and binge watch a tv show for three days” rest that I often associate with… rest.

Reading. Walking. Journaling. Sitting in a coffee shop that reminds me of my favorite Saturdays sitting by the window and studying.

Is that still productivity? Sure, but a different kind that feels supportive instead of exhausting. And that’s just WHO I AM. That’s just ME. That’s just how my brain and personality have developed over the last 31 years.

I’m not sure why exactly I’m writing this because I don’t have a tidy conclusion or perfect lesson because I clearly am still struggling with taking a break. And also I sat down to write this because I needed a brain dump and I needed something to do to look busy to make it clear to coffee shop visitors that my taking up a 4-chair high top (the only table available when I walked in) is warranted because I’m important and I have work to do. But also to contemplate my relationship with rest over the last few years.

Is “productive relaxation” still draining me in some way? Is this just how I’m wired? Is this something I need to unlearn or is this just as restful for ME as it is for the other person who thrives on zoning out on the couch or getting lost in books for a few days?

I don’t know yet, but I do know that:

Too much pressure to relax stresses me out.
Too much unstructured time stresses me out.

But a gentle plan? A day with intention, but no rigidity?

That feels goooood.

So I’m allowing that to be enough and meaningful.