We Need to Talk About Alcohol (and the Weird Shame Spiral That Comes With It)
Okay, so… can we talk about alcohol for a minute?
Does anyone else feel as much weird shame around it as I do?
My relationship with alcohol has changed a lot over the years. From awkward sips at high school parties (read: two max, I was on lockdown by my parents and successfully snuck out to two parties while at a sleepover with my bestie and party plug) to warm bottles of Malibu tucked in my college closet, waiting for club nights (ew, sticky floors). Then came the Angry Orchards by the pool, the Moscato-fueled movie nights, the wine-and-paper-writing era, the “just one more” vodka soda phase, and eventually the very adult BOTTLE-of-wine-on-a-Wednesday-night version of me.
It went from fun and flirty to ritualistic and routine. Wine to unwind, to cope, to cook, to create.
Postpartum, I quit drinking for a while. I realized it had become a crutch, and I kind of accidentally stayed sober most of the time. But lately, the occasional drinks are creeping back in.
A few beers while tanning.
A glass or two (or four) of wine while making dinner.
A martini to keep the creative juices flowing late at night (yes, I know… strange productivity hack, but it works for me).
And it’s not like I’m blacking out or starting fights. There’s no chaos. It all feels very adult and controlled.
But still, the next morning? Shame. Guilt. This nagging feeling I can’t quite shake.
Why?
It’s not the hangovers, they’re rare and mild now. I know my tips and tricks to keep morning after headaches and nausea at bay. I still show up for my precious child, my work, my life. But I know better. I always feel better after just drinking water. And yet, I find myself in this loop:
✨ Have a drink while working or relaxing
✨ Sleep weird
✨ Wake up foggy, feel a little off
✨ Swear I’ll take a break
✨ Crush my hydration and wellness for a few days
✨ Then Robby casually asks if I want a martini while I’m grinding out work at 7pm and… yeah. Repeat.
So here I am, asking: is it the alcohol itself? Or is it the deeper stuff? The childhood wounds, the mom guilt, the “good girl” complex?
Because I’m not drinking to escape or numb. I’m drinking in cute, quiet, intentional moments. But the shame still tags along like a weird party crasher.
I keep wondering… should I keep drinking like this and work through the guilt, like exposure therapy? Or is that just a convenient excuse to avoid changing a not-great habit? Should I stop altogether and see what that opens up emotionally? Or is that a subconscious way to avoid the emotional breakthroughs that I can come across BECAUSE OF the shame?
I don’t have the answers. But I know I can’t be the only one thinking about this. So tell me: do you feel weird or guilty about drinking, especially as a parent? What’s your relationship to alcohol like right now?
Until I figure it out, I’ll be sipping iced salted brown sugar coffees until 4pm and hydrating like it’s my full-time job. But if it’s sunny on Sunday… no promises I won’t crack a beer or two while tanning.
There’s no perfection here. Just the loop, the questions, and a whole lot of self-awareness.
