I’m Teetering on the Edge of an Eating Disorder Relapse… Again
And here’s the completely unfiltered brain dump as I am going through it.
A little background (emphasis on little) for those of you who might be new-ish and didn’t know (or don’t know much) about my history with disordered eating:
1) Dieting and commenting on how bodies looked was common in my household. So common that I had the Dos and Don’ts of the Atkins diet memorized by middle school
2) After starting a new relationship in college, I gaines approximately 20lbs which I didn’t think about until a family member commented on my weight. This triggered me beginning to run daily, skip multiple meals, lean heavily on the raw food diet, and ultimately losing enough weight for that relative (and other friends and coworkers) to quietly ask if I was sick… which only fueled my aggressive weight loss
3) I had a SUPER healthy relationship with my body and food my senior year of college and I look upon it with fondness. Eating for pleasure, but being mindful of prioritizing whole foods. Daily routines at breakfast that created the perfect balance of fats, carbs, protein, produce, and an anti-inflammatory, bloat eliminating, gut health ACV bevvy (recipe here!), and daily movement at my community gym which didn’t tear me to pieces or leave me huffing and puffing.
4) While eating a meal at home 2 years later, another family member said, “Be careful, you want the seamstress to take fabric off, not add more on.” This triggered purging in conjunction with my restricting.
5) After pregnancy, I was in a beautiful place again. After gaining 70lbs during pregnancy, I had a new respect and gratitude for my body. Not necessarily because it made a baby, but because despite the weight gain it was still working SO HARD to keep me up and moving and healthy. AND STILL I woke up with numb arms because my blood couldn’t circulate property. I finally saw my body as a friend. I finally started talking daily walks (TWICE A DAY) not to lose weight but because I found that I genuinely loved walking around my historic town, listening to podcasts, and admiring the setting sun. This wasn’t about weight, this was liberation from all of the years before. I paid no mind to the scale or my clothes even, just that I was happy and happy to support my body with nourishing foods… until someone in the building that I lived in commented on the fact that I lost a ton of weight and “looked great!” My bubble was popped. My joy was sucked away. This meant I could no longer continue on with my days as I had been. Now, I had to pay EXTRA attention to my body, my intake, walking a second loop on my route, all in the hopes of continuing to receive those compliments and maintaining this body.
I’ve been teetering on and off ever since.
But this time? What’s the difference between that postpartum comment and today as I write this?
I’m surrounded on both sides!
Mom? On the Atkins diet. Has she ever had a healthy relationship with her body and food? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Robby? Headed back to the gym and counting his macros and calories. Does he have a healthy relationship with his body and food? YES.
BUT
Now that I’m surrounded by someone who is meal planning and talking about how many more calories are in chicken thighs (which I LOVE) than he thought, all of my previous body control and disordered eating tactics and thought processes are whispering to me, “Don’t you want to look good too? Don’t you want people to comment on your body? Come on! You feel BEAUTIFUL when people can’t stop talking about how much you’ve thinned out.”
Typically, I’m able to shut down these thoughts and whispers pretty quickly, knowing that my precious body, my ally, my bestie DOES NOT DESERVE to be deprived. And I’m already in a space of struggling to eat breakfast and lunch.
But now that I’m surrounded with one person dieting and another taking extra, extra, extra looks at their food? The voices are drowning out the rational comebacks.
When I cashed in the last bit of my Grandpa Paycheck (scroll to the bottom for this one) on a red light face mask and a sauna blanket, I decided to make it a WHOLE glow up period for the summer. Not for my body to look a certain way or to weight a certain amount, but to just be more mindful of what I was putting in and on my body, the habits I was integrating that are beneficial for my sleep, mental health, and hormonal balance. More protein, more walks outside, more Ningxia, cracking down on my sleep routine.
But now I can’t help but thinking, “How easy would it be to just take the extra step and… cut these high protein meals in half for a while, walk a little longer or, even better, walk twice a day? How about you do the sauna blanket EVERY DAY (even though 3 days is recommended)? What is YOU started counting calories? Just to give you a boost?”
And in complete transparency, I have no wisdom. I’ve been through this cycle time and time and time again. I’ll either fall into these thoughts and pull myself out again eventually, or I’ll stay above them.
But whatever happens, I’ll make it through. Every one of the relapses has taught me something. I’ve grown through them. I’ve re-committed to my body and my relationship with her.
But that’s where I am right now. Unfiltered, as always, as promised, for my real ones!
Love,
Suzy
